We buried you today

After two hours at an unneeded doctors appointment where they just drew blood and didn't even look at the fetus or placenta...we went to Michael's and got stickers and a box and went home and burried you. 

We burried you in the back yard with a stump marking the spot so I can see you when I sit on the back porch. I placed a purple tipped carnation on top, just like I've used in every arrangement for every dead family member since the first one I got to help pick out when I was 10. Papa had them, Grandma had them, Grandpa had them, Nanan had them...and now you had one. 

Your Dad and I cried. He asked me if I wanted to say anything, and I shook my head. I just kissed my hand and laid it to the box. He covered the dirt back over top. We walked back inside and held the dogs. Then I had to get to work on the wedding flowers for this weekend. Because with or without you, life went on. 

I didn't want it to, but it did. And I spent the afternoon with Aunt Aliya feeling human for just a little while. Before sinking back into the tub, into tears, to write this. 

We buried you today. And the world didn't stop turning. And my heart didn't stop hurting. But I can feel like you're finally at peace. 

Miscarriage: A True Story

DISCLAIMERS. If you're squeamish or don't want to hear the reality of my miscarriage, I'd encourage you to turn back. If you came here because you're experiencing something and want to hear my story, that's what it's here for. I'd rather something good come out of this. 

So back in February we conceived, and I decided to be very open and vocal from the beginning about it. "If something happens, I'm an open person. I'd rather everyone KNOW than hide it" was my motto, Day 1. 

April 5th We went for our 7 week scan (which he thought was an 8 week scan). But they said baby measured 7 weeks 1 day, not 8 weeks 2 days. I had a Small subchorionic bleed: 1.77 x 0.49 x 1.74cm 

And a cyst on my left ovary "corp lut cyst: 3.40 x 2.15 x 2.29cm"

Pregnant was considered viable and healthy. Had a strong heart beat of 148

I had a Pap smear because I've had irregular post in the past. My last one said my ASCUS (abnormal squamous cells of undetermined significance) was GONE. However, at that appointment they said while the HPV was cleared, ASCUS was back. Nothing they could do while I was pregnant, though. 

Approximately April 12-13 unbeknownst to us, baby passed away. It stopped growing at roughly 8 weeks 1 day. 

Pregnancy however continued because my body was unaware. I continued to have symptoms including nausea, vomiting, weight gain, cravings and food aversions, placenta continued to grow. Everything seemed normal. 

On Monday May 2

 I did some yard work. Afterward I had a phone meeting with a client. And then went to the bathroom and saw brown spotting. I thought I'd just overdone it. So I put my feet up and let Ian get dinner for us. 

About 11:30 that night after a bath I passed a dark brown clot. After a little research, I woke Ian up and said we needed to go to the ER. We were scheduled for our next ultrasound the following day. Or by the time we made it to the ER, that day. 

By 1 we had an ultrasound and were in a room. By 2, we were informed baby had stopped growing and had no heartbeat. We rode home in silence. And I cried for about an hour uncontrollably until I fell asleep. 

Tuesday May 3...

Ian, the strong and practical one, went to work as normal. I told him his boss would understand, and he should just text he wasn't coming in. But he went in. However, as soon as he boss talked to him, he broke down. And before 9 he was home again in bed with me crying. I don't remember him ever crying before. 

He kept saying "I thought I was fine..." And so I told him about when I was in 6th grade and my dad was having his colo-rectal cancer surgery. I thought I was fine until I walked into school. I saw the homework I was supposed to have brought on someone's computer, spin on my heel, bursting into tears and began running along side my parents car, beating on it. You're fine until you're not...and you never know when that will strike...

Our doctors appointment was rescheduled from 1 to 4 so we could see a real doctor not a NP. And in Austell, not Douglasville. So we went. 

While in the waiting room my parents finally called. They're on a cruise. This always seems to happen. Something dire happens while they're completely Unreachable. Thankfully, mom's cousin, Tina, was on the cruise with them. And she had Facebook access to find them. I told them what happened, and we all cried. But it costs like $5 a minute to use the phone, and I had to get back to the doctor, so it was quick. 

They told us the baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks 1 day roughly a week after our ultrasound. That it could've been from the bleed. Or it could've been from something being wrong with the baby. They wouldn't know. They let us choose between the medicine or a D&C. We scheduled a D&C for Tuesday of the next week. 

We went home. We cried. Everyone reached out to me on Facebook. So many people told me they'd been through it. Some I knew. Some I didn't ever know. The outpouring of love was immense. 

About 11 that night I started getting strong cramps. I took one of the Percocets that the dr prescribed. I got a few hours of sleep on the couch. 

Wednesday, May 4...

Ian woke up, went to work, and once again found himself crying at his desk and came home. He just wanted to know if there was a clock that would tell him when he'd be ok again. We both seem to be sparked by people showing they cared. Every nice person sparked tears. But it was nice that people cared. 

By 10 am the "cramps" were clearly contractions. I had taken 1 more Percocet.  And about 10:30 I went to the bathroom and gave birth to my baby. 

It was deflated and in two pieces. But it was my baby. A clear eyes and mouth. Like a little grey blob with those. And I put it in a baggie to keep for the doctor. 

There wasn't a sac around it. I never saw a sac at all. Just a huge clot and a tiny baby. 

I went to go wash off in the tub and the pain was getting worse. I took another Percocet. It had been 4 hours. I was nauseous and being hit by wave after wave on unbearable pain. I washed the blood off and got out. 

I felt like I had to go to the bathroom. So I did. Pain got worse. Passed more clots. Pain got worse. I called the doctors office trying to figure out what was normal and what wasn't. I told them I passed the baby. And might not need the D&C. And asked for a nurse. Said I'm in the middle of a miscarriage. 

They accidentally hung up on me. By now Ian was in the room. I was writhing in pain. I'd filled the toilet with blood three times. I had on a pad to catch it now. Hoping to measure how much I was bleeding. 

He called them back and put them on speaker. In his head he was trying to calculate if he logistically thought he could get me in the car, or we needed an ambulance. I was hot and cold. Sweating. Shaking. Having contractions. Feeling like my insides were being ripped out. Bleeding profusely. Nauseous. Feeling like I was going to vomit back up the Percocet and Zophram. 

I was moaning. It hurt too bad to stay still. But it hurt to move. So I was just moving one foot at the time. Laying at a slight angle. Praying For it to be over. I thought I was dying. I REALLY thought I was dying. 

The nurse said if I filled more than 1 pad per hour to go to the ER. Otherwise, it should pass. I got up and ran to the bathroom again. I pushed. A clot the size of my fist came out. I assumed it was the placenta. The cramps subsided. I could breathe again. 

We thought it was over. The nurse made an appointment to recheck me Friday at 11:30. 

Most of the afternoon I was a little crampy but ok. Mostly exhausted and weak. I kept passing large amounts of clots though. I filling up about half a pad an hour and changing. 

About 5:30 it kicked back up. Slowly but surely the pain came back. At 7 I was looking up if I could take ANYTHING else. Because 2 hours after, and the pain was becoming as bad as before. I could take Advil. So I did. About 7:30 I climed in the tub again, the only place that gives me some relief. The warm comfort. And just as I was running water something came shooting out of me. 

To say it was disgusting was the understatement of the century. I've never seen anything grosser. It was about 7" long and looked like a bloody, fleshy penis. It had a sort of "head" shape that was as big around as my thumb. And the shaft was sausage sized. This is it in a ziplock bag. 

Ian was on the phone with his dad, and I had to call to get him to bring me a Baggie. He did and was shocked to see me floating in so much blood. A LOT of blood came out with it. Along with a lot of clots. I continued to spurt out some blood, and I tried to figure out if anyone else had a deformed penis shaped placenta. I saw some people had a sac covered in tissue. So. I went digging to see if maybe the sac was inside. It wasn't. Just blood vessels and placenta looking bits. It was just hardened and deformed. Which apparently can happen if your baby dies. Extra tissue can adhere. 

It was so gross. I put it on glow nurture, my pregnancy ap. One person thought placenta. Several thought fibroid. One just said "go to ER NOW!" But the pain was passing. And the clots stopped. 

I've had normal period level pain since then. And normal-heavy period bleeding. Filling up a pad every 4 or so hours. I took a Percocet to help me sleep last night. One when I was crampy at 5,

And once when we were going to leave to get flowers at noon. 

Unfortunately, even when tragedy strikes you can't say "I know your wedding has been booked for a year, but gee...I can't do your flowers." So. I still have those to do. 

My flower person, Jessica, just hugged me and told me how much she cared. It was nice to actually touch another human. We've sort of isolated ourselves through this. And human contact was really nice. Tonight his mom is coming to bring dinner. Tomorrow we go to the doctor and Aliya is coming to help with flowers. I may update then, too. But for now...it only hurts when I do too much. I tire easily. And it's nice to know people care. And Sunday...is Mother's Day. The dreaded day that will remind all the moms who had to give their children back that they're somewhere else, not here with them. 

I'm sure I'll have hard days and good days. Right now the physical hurt is worse than the emotional. Everyone else seems to think the emotional is worse. Maybe it will be. But for now, I'm trying to just make peace with my angel baby. 

I still wish I knew the gender so I could call it "he" or "she" or even name it. Really name it. And I still have to do something with the baby things I already had. But. It'll be ok. It'll all eventually be ok. 

We can try again after I have a real period. Generally that's 6-8 weeks. A lot of people were pregnant about 3 months later. Some it took a lot longer. 

And I think I'll always celebrate in my own way 3 days for this baby. 

April 13. The day it went to heaven. 

May 4. The day it left me. 

November 21. The day it should've been born. 

It was still our baby, even if it never took a breath. It was loved. It was wanted. And it was blessed to have been both of those things. And we were blessed to be Mommy and Daddy, even for a short while. 

Mommy, Daddy, & Baby C. April 9, 2016. 

Loss of a child

It's something no one wants to talk about, but statically 1 in 5 women will lose a child before 13 weeks gestation. 

My husband and I were thrilled to welcome our little bundle of joy in November until last night when I passed a clot, went to the ER, and found out our little one passed away at 8 weeks 1 day. 

This was a picture at 7 weeks 1 day of our happy, healthy baby. 

I had a small bleed (fairly normal), and we had no reason to suspect anything was wrong. 

This is probably one of the last pics I was pregnant with a living baby in. Shortly after this, our baby grew wings and flew to heaven. 

I hope it got to meet my "babies" who went before. My animals. The ones I lived and lost. I hope they nuzzled it, and told it how lucky it was that I was its mom for even a second. For 8 weeks, to be exact. 

I hope my sweet LeLe boy gave you a head butt and a purr. And told you how much he had enjoyed when I was his mommy. And how much I had loved him and must've loved you too. 

I hope my sweet Brandi Boo told you how much she had loved being my Sissy, and how she would've been a great auntie to you...if she'd ever gotten to know you. She'll herd you in the right direction. Just do me a favor and lay with her if you have storms in heaven. She's afraid of thunder. 

I'm sure Nanan and Papa were thrilled to meet you. I think she always thought she'd be around to meet her great grandchild. But truth is she got to meet you before I did. Hopefully papa will sing for you since I never got to. And Nanan would sit and listen to you talk for hours. She always did for me. 

I can only imagine the look on my Grandma and Grandpa's faces when you showed up. If you ever need comfort, she's your first stop. She's the greatest woman who ever drew a breath. She has endless patience and love. Tell her I still miss her so much. 

Grandpa can give you a ride on Lacey. She was a good girl. And I hope there are golf carts in heaven so he can ride you on one. I hope there are peppermint a with chocolate in the middle too. Or worthers. He always had both. And he'll make you up silly songs. 

I'm sure they're all so proud to be there with you. 

Even thought your body is still inside me...I know you've been gone quite a while. You're in heaven with all of them. And you're so lucky. They're some of the best family you could ask for. So I know you're being taken care of. But Daddy and I miss you. 

We were so proud you were ours. Even for the short time we had you. There you are with us at Aunt Kayla and Uncle Wooter's wedding. They were so happy to know you too. So was Aunt Aliya, Uncle Cody, Uncle Caleb, your cousin Ivy, your Mimi and Pop, your Grandpa Tom and Grandma Rosemary, your Aunt Sara your RobRob, your aunt Terri. They were all so excited to meet you. And they all miss you almost as much as we do. Almost. 

But even though you're gone...you will never be forgotten. Mommy and Daddy will always love our first baby...

In memory of Baby C

Went to heaven April 13, 2016. 

Healthy-er?

On my journey to health and overall better well being (weight loss would be a wonderful thing as well, but my main goal is health)...I've been trying a lot of things lately:

1. Food

Eating only local organic foods from local farmers markets or from our garden (mostly)

Meat, potatoes, and onions from farmers market

Lettuce from our garden

Quinoa salad. Quinoa from the store

Cukes, tomatoes, carrots, and eggs from farmer's market. 

2. Drinks

I'm trying to drink more water. I've bought lots of flavor drops because I hate just water. And. If a few drops of something get me to drink more water I think it's worth the trade off. I'm going to start trying to go back to infused waters now that stuff is in season again. 

 Better drink choices (bought a REAL GINGER mix for making ginger ale with club soda at home. Also local)

You can buy online too: http://www.momintandthyme.com/

Drinking YourTea TinyTea.

http://america.yourtea.com/products/28dayteatox

 I haven't been following the detox instructions well:

1 morning 30 min before breakfast

1 30 min before lunch

1 30 min before dinner 

I've been getting in about: 1 per day 

Day one I did two. Both were at my parents house. I steeped for the recommended 5-7 minutes. I gagged. It was AWFUL! Why had LoeyLane (https://m.youtube.com/user/LoeyLane )

steered me so wrong!?! How could she drink this terrible crap and call it "good." Why did I waste all that money!?!

When I was home and back to my fake keurig I opened a bag and (for the first time but not the last) it broke because it was stuck to the packaging. Upsetting. But. I popped the non broken side down into the single brew, and low and behold IT TASTED GOOD!

Just a spoon full of honey and brewing it like NORMAL tea...it tasted like normal tea. AMAZING! 

This morning bag number two broke, but I repeated the same, and it worked fine. That's my main complaint with this. If I'm going to pay you almost $1 per bag can you make them NOT break? Thanks. 

(Also got my mug free as a promotion)

3. Supplements.

On top of my normal pill regiment, I now take a One A Day Women's Multivitamin and Turmeric. 

I got my turmeric while on sale at sams's club after doing a lot of research on this particular brand. Turmeric is highly recommended for inflammation and cancer prevention / healing. It's suggested that inflammation may be a major cause of a lot of problems and illnesses within the human body. So, getting that down or gone is good in my book. 

http://m.samsclub.com/ip/inflamin-turmeric-120ct/prod16900235

I will report back when I've been taking it longer. It's only been a few days so...I don't think I can give any useful feedback except that I'm hopeful, and they are indeed horse pills. 

4. Sleep. 

I have struggled with sleep my WHOLE life. My body is naturally set to nocturnal. I wish it wasn't. But it is. I've tried resetting it many times, and while it may work for a few weeks, it always resets I've tried melatonin, sleeping pills, tea, Benadryl, yoga, stretching before bed, no technology one hour before, watching tv to drift to sleep...nothing helped. 

FINALLY something seems to make a difference: ASMR. 

Autonomous sensory meridian response (ASMR) is a neologism for a perceptual phenomenon characterized as a distinct, pleasurable tingling sensation in the head, scalp, back, or peripheral regions of the body in response to visual, auditory, tactile, olfactory, or cognitive stimuli. 

Aka ever got chills up your spine when something feels good? I get that when something SOUNDS good. The hand motions and such do nothing for me. I turn the screen off. It's all noise to me. 

It's such a quiet, gentle sound that I drift to sleep. 

My favorite ASMR-tists:

(I'm linking a good video of theirs (for me). Feel free to browse and see what you like). 

GentleWhispering (Maria)

http://youtu.be/RVpfHgC3ye0

ASMRRequests (Alli):

http://youtu.be/k-VVYMsBFXM

Heather Feather:

http://youtu.be/7GwtmUnecII

There are TONS out there. So find your flavor (if you get the tingles or are merely relaxed by them). Enjoy a mind detox. 

I really think that's why I respond so well. My head is over clouded with "stuff." And when I try to be still all the "stuff" gets louder and louder and won't let me rest. This declutters and detoxes my mind so it can drift off to sleep peacefully. 

So after discovering ASMR my only issue was falling asleep with earbuds in HURT. 

My solution? (Thanks Maria) "Sleep Phones: Pajamas for you Ears." It's a band that goes around your head and has pockets for the little flat earphones. I used them last night, and my only complaint is that because they go over not IN my ear...I still hear my husband snoring. It's not nearly as immersive. But unless you have a ridiculously loud snorer in the bed with you. They should work great. 

http://www.sleepphones.com/

5. Exercise

I'm still working on upping this. I've mostly been cleaning my house and gardening a lot. And carrying stuff up and down stairs. I'm trying to de-clutter my house, and so that requires a LOT of trips down the stairs to the basement. That's my current form of exercise, lol. 

I'm hoping to get a more structured one going as well. Every time I start a new one it lasts less than a week. Then I hate it. And I don't do it. Also, I got an xbox1 for the purpose of using the kinect to play dance games...the Zumba game I bought never worked. So. I got pissed and didn't try again. 

6. Decluttering

My new current "feel better" idea is...declutter my life. Every day I throw something away. Every day I move something downstairs. It's so FULL. I HATE it. I need openness. I need peace. I don't need all of this STUFF. 

So that's my next big project. Making my

House homey but happy. Open. Free of unnecessary clutter. 

So, that's my current routine of trying to be a happier, healthier me. I'll let you know how it goes. Feel free to try it and let me know how yours goes. 

Our Ceremony

Many people struggle to write a "script" for their ceremonies. I took great care to compile mine from several sources as well as writing out some of it myself. I hope this may help at least someone with their writing of their own ceremony script. It also includes links to all of the songs used and pictures of things as they occurred.

Wedding of Marlissa Doss and Ian Cunningham

Prelude:

Four Tops	Baby I need your lovin'
Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell	You're All I need to get by
Ray LaMontagne	You are the best thing
The Turtles	Happy Together

Processional

J. Benjamin

Marry Me (Violin Cover, originally performed by Train)

Officiate: Terri Schlag walks down aisle. Takes place at gazebo.

Ian Cunningham walks down aisle to place on gazebo

Tom Cunningham walks Rosemary Cunningham down aisle. Seats her. Takes place beside Ian.

Seth Wooten walks Phyllis Doss down aisle. Seats her. Takes place beside Tom.

Caleb Hutcheson walks with Bailey Cunningham and both take their places.

Sara Cunningham walks down aisle, takes place on far left.

Kayla Brown walks down aisle takes place in front of Sara.

Courtney Terry walks down aisle, takes place in front of Kayla

Aliya Johnson walks down aisle pulling Ivy Johnson in wagon. They take their places.

KJ Hagan throws petals down aisle and goes to stand beside Sara.

Bride’s Processional

Artist	Song Title
Vitamin String Quartet	Hallelujah

Glenn Doss walks Marlissa Doss down aisle. Both stand in front of Terri Schlag.

(I thought I would be so emotional. I was laughing and singing down the aisle with Dad)

TERRI              You may all be seated.

Welcome, friends and family. Ian and Marli have invited us here today to share in the celebration of their marriage. We come together not to mark the start of a relationship, but to recognize a bond that already exists. This marriage is one expression of the many varieties of love. Love is one, though its expressions are infinite.

(To Marli)       Marli, do you take this man to be your husband; to live together in the covenant of marriage? forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?

MARLI              I do.

TERRI              (to Ian)       Ian, do you take this woman to be your wife; to live together in the covenant of marriage, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?

IAN              I do

TERRI              Who gives this woman to be wedded to this man?

GLENN:        Her mother and I do.

(kiss my cheek, put my hand in Ian’s, sits next to Phyllis)

TERRI              1 Corinthians 13 tells us “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” And so today we come to celebrate those traits that Ian and Marli have found in one another.

As you have all been a part of their lives in some way in the past, I ask now that you give your affirmation to continue to be so in the future. To lift them up both as individuals and as the new united pair they become today. Will all of you here as witnessing to these promises made in love, do all in your power to uphold these two persons in their marriage? If so, please answer, “We will.”

Audience answers “we will”

(one of my favorite shots of the whole day)

TERRI              Ian and Marli, the symbolic vows that you are about to make are a way of saying to one another, “You know all those things we’ve promised and hoped and dreamed- well, I meant it all, every word.” Look at one another and remember this moment in time.

Pause to take in the moment

Before this moment you have been many things to one another- acquaintance, friend, lover, companion [maybe add more here]

You have learned much from one another in this time since deciding to meet a stranger off the internet and take a chance at love.

(pause for laughs)

Now you shall say a few words that take you across a threshold of life, and things will never quite be the same between you. For after these vows, you shall say to the world, this – is my husband, this – is my wife.

Please join hands

(I pass off bouquet and take his other hand in mine)

Ian, repeat after me.  I Ian Raymond Cunningham

IAN              I Ian Raymond Cunningham

TERRI              Take you, Marlissa Paige Doss

IAN              Take you, Marlissa Paige Doss

TERRI              As my lawfully wedded wife.

IAN              As my lawfully wedded wife.

TERRI              To have and to hold.

IAN              To have and to hold.

TERRI              From this day forward.

IAN              From this day forward.

TERRI              For better or worse

IAN              For better or worse

TERRI              For richer or poorer.

IAN              For richer or poorer.

TERRI              In sickness and in health

IAN              In sickness and in health

TERRI              To love, honor, and cherish until death do us part

IAN              To love, honor, and cherish until death do us part

TERRI              Marli, Repeat after me. I Marlissa Paige Doss

MARLI       I Marlissa Paige Doss

TERRI              Take you, Ian Raymond Cunningham

MARLI       Take you, Ian Raymond Cunningham

TERRI              As my lawfully wedded husband

MARLI       As my lawfully wedded husband

TERRI              To have and to hold.

MARLI       To have and to hold.

TERRI              From this day forward.

MARLI       From this day forward.

TERRI              For better or worse

MARLI       For better or worse

TERRI              For richer or poorer.

MARLI       For richer or poorer.

TERRI              In sickness and in health

MARLI       In sickness and in health

TERRI              To love, honor, and cherish until death do us part

MARLI       To love, honor, and cherish until death do us part

TERRI              May we have the rings?

(Marli crouches down and calls Bailey. Bailey eagerly trots over to Mommy. After a quick kiss she removes the rings from his collar. He goes to sit with Phyllis and Glenn)

TERRI              Ian, please place the ring on Marli’s finger, and repeat after me: “I give you this ring as a daily reminder of my love for you.”

IAN              I give you this ring as a daily reminder of my love for you.

TERRI              Marli, please place the ring on Ian’s finger, and repeat after me: “I give you this ring as a daily reminder of my love for you.”

MARLI              I give you this ring as a daily reminder of my love for you.

TERRI              (gets out handfasting chords)

Handfasting is an old Celtic tradition, and Ian and Marli have chosen to use it to be an outward sign of the commitment they make here. The Chord is made of many strands of ribbon, and intertwined are pieces from each of their respective families, signifying that not only do two people become one today, but two families become one.

Ian and Marli as your hands are bound together now,

so your lives and spirits are joined in a union of love and trust.

Above you are the sun and stars and below you is the earth.

Like the sun and stars your love should be a constant source of light,

and like the earth, a firm foundation from which to grow.

Please hold the chord between your ringed hands.

(Groom palm up, holding chord, Brides hand resting in his)

Ian and Marli, this chord is a symbol of the life you have chosen to live together. Until this moment you have been separate in thought, word, and deed. But as this chord is tied together, so shall your lives become intertwined. With this chord, I bind you to the vows that you have made to one another. With this knot, I tie you, heart to heart, together as one.

May this love knot always be a reminder of the binding together of two hands, two hearts, and two souls into one. And so you are bound to one another, for all the days of your lives.

(Officiate ties love knot)

And with the knot tied, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Ian, you may kiss your bride.

(We kiss.)

TERRI              I would like to officially present to you for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Ian Cunningham.

Recessional

Artist	Song Title
Chris Maghintay	My Player Two

Ian and Marli

KJ

Rosemary & Tom

Aliya, Ivy, Caleb

Phyllis, Glenn, & Bailey

Courtney

 Wooter & Kayla

Sara